A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The Heavan's Gate Nursery Rhyme
(my apologies to the late Dr. Suess...)
Written by: Jeffrey D. Warren
There was a cult named Heavan's Gate.
Those 39 they could not wait.
After Hale-Bopp it was too late.
That zany Mr. Applegate!
The UFO they said they'd find,
Trailed Hale-Bopp not far behind.
A crazier notion I've yet to find.
At what point did they lose their mind?
They did not die there in the hall.
They did not die against the wall.
It seemed that no one tried to stall,
Communal phenobarbitol.
It took no time to close their peepers.
The cops just thought they were deep sleepers.
My favorite part? Their new black sneakers!
Will Nike market them as "Air Grim Reapers"?
Now this is the part I really hate:
The testicles they did castrate.
I guess they made no plans to mate.
They could not even masturbate!
I guess when you figure death cannot wait,
There is no time to masturbate.
What?! No time to masturbate?!
Why would ANYONE join Heavan's Gate?!
This one belief they did all share:
For life on earth they did not care.
Their families thought it wasn't fair.
Hey, what was their f**ked up hair?
The media cannot help debate,
What caused them to direct their fate.
Was it Mr. Applegate?
Who cares? They were nuts! I think it's great.
I toast them with every vodka sip.
Now, who else wants that mothership?
One comes to mind - as I purse my lip.
I think Tim McVeigh earned a free one-way trip!
__________________________________________________________
-= 418/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP10 FROM WEBSLINGERZ.NET =-
__________________________________________________________
-= Top Ten Ways to Get Dumb Guys to Vote for You =-
10. Spread rumor that your opponent wants to outlaw
aerosol cheese
9. Your debate strategy: just keep saying, "Whoa, dude!"
8. Build your campaign around promise to apprehend Lex
Luthor
7. Vow to change National Anthem to "Dueling Banjos"
6. When asked why you're qualified to hold office,
shotgun a six-pack of Meister Brau
5. Promise to create new cabinet-level position:
"Official Bikini Inspector"
4. Without actually coming out and saying it, strongly
imply that everyone who votes for you gets a handful
of cashews *
3. Claim that you and your wife Hillary had nothing to
do with Whitewater
2. Your choice for the Joint Chiefs of Staff: the dudes
from KISS
1. Promise a 15-percent tax cut
* * *
-= Top Ten Signs That The Guy Mugging You
Has Never Mugged Before =-
As presented on the 10/21/93 broadcast of
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. After taking money, asks if you want a receipt
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and
poles
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some Chapstick
7. When he's done he says, "That was fun, now you mug me"
6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in
front of the station house, surrounded by fellow officers
carrying assault rifles
5. When you yell "stop thief", he does
4. During police line-up he waves to you and shouts
"remember me"
3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if the "Love Boat"
hadn't been cancelled (shot of Gavin Macleod)
2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the
baby and Marla"
1. Accepts IOU's